The Wonder of You.
It's been two years since you left us and not a day goes by that you are not on my mind and in my heart and my soul grieves for you. The loss of a child no matter the age, no matter the details, death is final and though we live on, our time here on this Earth as we are beings having a human experience has meant my time with you as my son is over permanently. What I am left with is memories and you made the best memories ever.
Your strength of character, your honesty, your determination, stubbornness and sheer will power. Your sense of humor and laughter still echoes in my heart. Good looks, charming, kind, diligent and never once did you give up or surrender. As a baby, you spent six months sleeping waking only for a feed, you loved your bath. At birth you weighed 4.5kg with big hands and big feet and suddenly at 6 months old you were done sleeping and decided to spend every waking moment exploring and mischief became your middle name. A deep sensitive soul that would be evident in the questions you asked at the age of six. Born entrepreneur you found the most inventive ways to make money as a child and you always had a coffee tin of coins and notes. At the age of nine you developed this obsession with your weight and I would catch you standing on the scale perplexed at the fact you weighed more than you did a week ago putting yourself on diet. This resulted in a doctors appointment where the doctor kindly and sweetly explained to you that you are growing and weighing 35 kg is a passing phase. Playstation would become a fascination and computer games. You loved socializing and would happily attend school activities. Your time at Rainbow International School In Kampala Uganda was perhaps your happiest time at school. Here you discovered a great passion for reading and this was nurtured by a wonderful teacher who acknowledged your dyslexia, but with love and patience and kindness, my son developed a passion for reading that would stay with him. She truly was amazing teacher and as a mother, I thank you dearest. Teachers can make or break a child. You would go on to be deputy headboy and then headboy, running a tuck shop from your hostel always with friends and always exploring and eager to find ways to make money. As a teenager you washed dishes at a restaurant and you ripped up carpets, sanding down the wooden floors, working on the window frames and always stalking through the house. You walked with determination and carried yourself with purpose. Malaria and kidney infections were par for the course while living in Uganda, but back in South Africa your teenage years were relatively healthy except for a collarbone injury suffered in rugby. At the age of seventeen you found a permanent job and by the age of 26 you had travelled extensively. Your hard drive is filled with the pictures taken of your trips. You kept studying, always looking for ways to better lives. Your generosity was given freely to all, volunteering at soup kitchen and assisting with healing horses. Walking beside the horses making sure all the riders were safe and never once did we ever guess these horses would come into playing a key role in your life.
As your mom, there are things I will never know, secrets that you had every right to, feelings that are yours and yours alone. As a Capricorn I can say leadership came easy to you, courage and determination left me with a deep respect and admiration for you. In fact, the psychologist who I saw after you passed away seemed surprised that I admired you. She had no idea. No one understood the loss this world endured when you said left. You demanded respect, you commanded, you conducted yourself with strength and you were very self conscious of your physical deterioration. This hurt me. Be damned what anyone thought, this is what you are enduring and experiencing and those who judged were not worth our time of day.
On January 11 2018 there is medical evidence that you were given a vaccine for epileptic fits and brain tumors. Your doctor did not send you for an MRI, he merely gave you the shot. Throughout 2018 you reported falling through a ceiling while giving a quote on repairing a roof. You took a derelict farmhouse and within two weeks made it liveable and comfortable for your aunt and her two children. You had blistered hands and sore aching muscles, but you knew the emergency of the situation and you worked with dedication. I remember days when you would sleep or read and just spend time resting. You complained of sore muscles and worked hard flipping tyres and you fought your body and were determined to regain your strength. December 6 2018 started out as any normal day and at approx 3.30pm you came downstairs from your apartment and started cooking in the kitchen. I listened as you chopped at the vegetables, your movements were aggressive and indicated you were stressed, uptight and not in a good place. I asked if you wanted coffee to which you snapped no. I sat with my mother on the sofa watching an episode of Doc Martin when you stalked from the kitchen straight to my bedroom. You called me twice. I could tell there was something very, very wrong. As i stepped into the room, you were lying on my bed, sweating profusely and you asked me to get the dogs out the room. I closed the bedroom door and you gave me the sweetest smile as you took my hand you gazed into my eyes with a far away look and told me how much you loved me.
No sooner had the words left your lips when your eyes rolled back in your head and I stood in shock watching as your body was engulfed in a vicious seizure. I remember screaming for my mother, somehow a phone was placed in my hands and I called your brother and the police. We needed an ambulance. My mother spoke to the police as I held you and felt your body shaking, it seemed as though you were trying to break free from the skin that held you captive in this world. Your body was ridgid, foaming at the mouth, I rolled you on your side, holding you, I don't recall much, except my mother suggested a cold cloth because you were burning up. This was perhaps a big mistake as I wet a cloth and dabbed your forehead, you cried out and I knew I had caused a shock to your system. Paramedics arrived they began working on you asking questions, your brother arrived and you were taken to hospital. Life as you knew it abruptly came to an end.
At the hospital once stable, once able to walk, you were discharged and we went home. The days that followed saw you flying to Beirut Lebanon where you had secured employment. We would join you as my husband and I also secured employment on the same project. January 2019 would you suffering from horrific headaches, finally in February 2019 unable to endure the pain any longer you made an appointment and would see a truly wonderful doctor in Beirut. He sent you for an MRI and together we attended your appointment on a Saturday. I sat frozen in my seat as he read out the results and confirmed you had a brain tumor and you had two weeks to have it removed or you would lose the use of your right arm.
Truly God provided medical insurance, He supplied the best doctor, the best hospital and best treatment. Later in September you would undergo your second brain surgery to remove another tumor. In total you suffered four brain tumors with the fourth being the bastard that would take you away from us. From 2018 to 2022 you fought with courage, bravery and determination. You lectured us, you stood your ground, you were always a force to be reckoned with and you never ever complained. Although you sought different ways to avoid us from taking care of you, you never wanted to be a burden, we got the privilege of taking care of you.
Your motto One Day At a Time One Step At a Time and JUst Give Me a Minute has become my own mantra, my own. You taught me many things, you taught me to love unconditionally and you taught me to fight and never give up.
As I look at that sentence I know that's not the truth, the truth is I did give up. It was all so overwhelming and confusing, your brother arrived the evening of January 14 and your dad was packing and preparing to return to work January 15, there were clear and present signs that your body was shutting down and everyone was leaving us. Your dad and brother left for the airport around 4.30 am on January 15. The night nurse wanted paramedics and a drip inserted, she could not accept that you were dying and the day nurse arrived at seven along with the hospice sister who inserted what they call a butterfly to administer morphine. There I stood with my ex-husband and his wife as you slipped away from this world and there was nothing anyone could do. My son who paid my bills, bought my groceries, worked to create a greenhouse for me, gave more than he ever took in return left us and then there was just a body and I knew my Daniel was no longer with us. A lifeless body is just too awful to behold. My son was gone and this was a mere vessel lying on the bed. There are things that I cannot forget, things I don't know how to write about, words that will not be spoken, but they circulate in my mind all the time.
These past two years what shocked me was the callous and disinterested treatment by those around me. I love you. I will always love you. This was never about love or the lack of love, this was about the medical profession and the negligence and the murder of my son. This is about the fact that when your child dies, you die along with that child and you will never be the same again. This is about understanding that this world is solely about humanity and that each and every human being is here for a purpose and every life matters and war is just evil and wrong. Abortion is evil and wrong. Death is vile and yes, the soul lives on and moves to a higher or lower dimension. No one can dispute this. God is alive and He works in mysterious and wondrous ways.
Every life is important and no one recovers from death. It's why there is just one sentence in the Bible. Jesus wept.
You were my life, a crucial part of our family and we all suffer from the loss of you. On this day, I sit here and allow the memories to flow through my mind and am I so thankful that you choose me as your mom.
You are my son and I will always love you Daniel.
The Miracles:
February 2019 diagnosis (but no medical aid)
No possible way to afford an operation
Two strangers having never met Daniel sit and brainstorm finding a loophole in the company policy which grants Daniel access to medical aid.
All of Daniel's medical treatment was met and covered by this company/
Daniel undergoes two brain surgeries one in March and another in September 2019.
Healing Horses in Port Alfred with the incredible assistance of Wilhem is able to give Dan therapy and it's Wilhem who get's Dan on the horses back and takes him through his therapy sessions.
January 10 2022
A group of Christians comes to pray for Daniel and he declares with his eyes closed and unable to speak, he loudly proclaims that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior!
He does not speak again.
June 2021 to January 15 2022
Every need is met!
Marijuana oil was made for pain management and a complete miracle as to how the man who made this oil found out about Dan and would drop off the medication.
In total there were about five or six caregivers for Daniel coming and going from the house, supplying therapy, grooming and care.
Shocking events:
Tues December 28 Daniel is scheduled for one round of Chemotherapy. Usually our eldest son would drive us to the nearest city which is a good two hour drive from our small town. However on this day, as I got into the backseat of the car, in front sat Daniel and beside him behind the wheel is my husband. My husband has little to no knowledge of the layout of the city and instantly I am overcome with anger. Everything inside of me is demanding that we cancel this trip, if my eldest son is not going to drive us, we are not going. Daniel is in no state or shape to remember the location of the clinic and I am not too sure where we going and I know my husband has even less of an idea. There doom all over this day. I do not get out the car and we drive off to Daniel's death sentence. One would think that having found Cancer Care and as we wheeled Dan in sitting in his wheelchair, it was apparent that there was no compassion in the eyes of anyone. This young man now seated in a wheelchair came striding into Cancer Care determined to overcome his cancer and here he sat in a wheelchair, yet no one seemed surprised. He had forgotten to do his platelet count (something he had never done before) so they quickly did a blood check and then he was wheeled into her office. I was struck by how cold Daniel was towards her, his doctor, he never made eye contact once. When my husband took Dan from the room she drew me aside and gazing into my eyes told him if I realized chemotherapy is optional and not compulsory. I was stunned. This is a doctor who had told me in June that Daniel was her patient and she is prohibited from discussing his health with me. Suddenly chemotherapy is optional. They would go on to administer three rounds of chemotherapy after being scheduled for one round lasting half an hour. We waited in the car and after the first half an hour I called him to see if we could come get him and he said, No mom, they preparing another round of chemo. Four calls were made. It took ages before we were able to collect Daniel and he died just 18 days later. When you can see with your own eyes that the body is failing and you still keep preparing that poison and forcing it into him. Three rounds of chemotherapy as opposed to the one. As we drove home, he asked for coffee and we stopped at his favorite place and sipped coffee with him. 18 days later he exhaled and never inhaled again.
The Butterfly Hospice inserted should have been inserted earlier and while inserting the butterfly around 7 am Daniel let out a heartbreaking gut wrenching sob. To which the Hospice nurse told him: "No Daniel."
He immediately stopped and I stood there wondering just who the hell do you think you are telling my son to stop sobbing. This is his life and he can surely sob if he wants too.
My child, my son suffered and he did so silently.
This is a testimony to his strength of character, his beauty and all that cannot be captured in words. He was amazing and in his bible there was only one verse underlined.
James 1: 27
27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Father God in Heaven, I thank you for the life of my son and I thank you for the gift You gave me. You have walked beside me and carried me these past two years and I thank you Lord for truly you are pure love and compassion.
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